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Shy Johnny


  When I got to go, I want to go alone. Lets just say, it doesn't always work out that way.

 

I have a shy Johnny. I call it Johnny because it's no Johnson. Shy Johnny, would rather tinkle at home but sometimes he has to use the public restroom. The problem with public restrooms is that they're public. And if you saw the people using them you'd never go in. Public restrooms are like as Forest Gump would s say, a box of chocolate, you never know what your going to get. But sometimes you just got to go. This is why kids shop online. They don't have bladders yelling at them every time they walk into a Walmart. Heck, I can't even look at one book at Chapters before shy Johnny and Billy bowels start talking to me. I think just ignore it and for a little while after doing deep breathing exercises, it works. Suddenly a little voice inside says NOW! When that little voice yells NOW! you kind of have to listen. Before entering the restroom, I have to look over my shoulder to make sure Shy Johnny and Billy Bowels are not being followed. I have to give Johnny a little pep talk. Okay an average pep talk. Okay, maybe I'm stretching a bit.  I'm like the pitching coach on the mound and Johnny is the relief pitcher. Okay the count is two balls and no strikes. You got this! You got a one minute window. Now get busy! No one is coming in. No Fear. You got this. No one is looking at you junior. Besides you're walled up at the thighs with porcelain. 

Then it happens, someone walks in and he stands right next to me. It's not like he didn't have any other options. He did. There were at least four other available urinals. Right next to me and the shy guy. Now the shy guy becomes the dry guy. It's not like he going to break the ice. Heck, he can hardly break the urinal ice. There I am focusing on a speck on the wall, eye level, right in front of me. Engaging in a silent conversation with Johnny. Come on, it's just some guy who obviously has confidence and a big bat. He's having no problem. You can plainly hear that. It's not like you have talk to him. Hello sir. Yes, you say Sir, because you got to respect a guy who can stand tall and let it flow. What would you say anyway? You'd never say, "How's it hanging?" unless of course, you wanted to find out. 

Some guys want to see how far away they can get from urinal and still make it in. Working on their arc, like practicing free throws on the basketball court. So it's not hard to see how it is hanging. Heck, Some guys are dribbling on their way up to the urinal. Some guys clear their throats at the precise time the flow starts, so you don't hear the initial lack luster surge. 

Sometimes, I have resort to the stall because of urinal overcrowding. I stand there and flush just for encouragement but you got to time that too. One flush is acceptable. Continuously flushing, brings up red flags. Then the dialog continues come on Johnny beat the flush. You can do it.  Back to my urinal Johnny.....

I am now looking down in disgust. I think, awe zip it. I really think f it but the sound of zipper drowns it out. Now I have two choices.  Walk to the stall and let the guy know that yup, I'm a freak, or wash up so he can see that I'm a clean freak. I walk out the conversation continues. Really, I can't believe you. It's just a natural bodily function.  Like a dog getting caught doing a bad thing. My Johnny just hangs there like a tail between my legs. This is why I never shop. Its usually one of two things. Literally. It's like I'm the bathroom inspector everywhere I go. And everywhere I go, I have to go. And some places I really don't want to go.

I'm so glad it doesn't cost a quarter to spend a penny. I'd have keep a roll in my pocket at all times and I don't need that kind of attention.


Thanks for stopping by. If you like my stories, I would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment and share. 

Denny D

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