Sunday, March 19, 2023

Old Bag Perfume


I know it's not nice to call them old bags. Life-experienced may be more appropriate.  But I'm sorry. I just can't handle it. My lungs yell out.  I've heard them.  What the F is with the OBP?  After I run away as fast as I can and cough my lungs out, It occurs to me.  Maybe it's all part of their evil plan to weed out weak, allergenic, entitled pricks like me. You know, have a few laughs before they cash in their chips. I'm sure they're organized too. There are probably thousands of wrinkle skin people, who are pissed enough that they're getting older, who are somehow concerned about body order and have no, I mean no sense when it comes to scent. It's like that old lady who spices up her food with hot Sause but instead of hot Sause, it's a stinky moisturizer. Similar slogan. I put that smell everywhere. Any place that might cause a weird unrecognizable stink, gets covered up in stink.  

I'm sure they meet weekly. I've seen them at big M's, drinking senior coffee and planning their attack. I use the drive-thru for obvious reasons. I like to breathe between sips.  The ring leader is a retired school teacher who wasn't allowed to wear scent at school. Her name?  I won't mention it, just in case I get it right. Little Miss nameless had it all. Plastic boobs, Botox lips, big hair and fuzzy sweaters. She stunk as a teacher but she couldn't stink as a teacher. Oh, the sweet fragrance of Oxymorons. 

Can you imagine roll call at the Big M.   Okay Betty, you get the long line at the bank. Joan, you go to the casino and flush out the Keno players. Judy, you got the big box store and feel free to eat as many samples they can hand out before they faint. Now we know why the men go to the big T across the street. They know their wives stink and they found the only hiding place other than the hardware store to hang out at.

Heaven forbid they run out of their twenty-five-pound bottle and have to go to the fragrance counter. The scene must be a treat.

Excuse me miss, can you help me. The salesperson looks at her and thinks Oh shit, it's one of them. The lady says I'm looking for some moisturizer. The salesperson says Here's a popular fragrance that all the life-experienced ladies wear. It's called Old du toilet. The lady asks, Why is it called that? The salesperson chimes in, she wants to say Because it smells like shit and it probably should be flushed down the shitter but decides to be diplomatic. It's the best moisturizer for your skin (Thinks to herself wet paper bag wrinkled skin) with just a hint of fresh cut flowers ( Like a rose being crushed by a hammer) and essential oil.  The lady is now curious. No Really, what's in it? The salesperson looks at the twenty-five-pound bottle and reads the ingredients. Oh let's see. Moisturizer, embalming fluid and potpourri. 

Well, you do want to have nice skin and smell good on the way to, well you know.  There she is laying there. It is a sad day. After all the years of practice and she finally made it to the pros with three-quarters of a litre to go. I'm sure one of her friends will get the unused stink as a going-away present.  I can almost imagine the conversation.

Look at her. She looks so good. They did a great job on her. Good thing she had that head start. We will miss her, lingering smell. 

The above was created for your amusement. Just for a laugh. I like older people. I am one of them. But I don't have to stink as one. Please let me know if I do. 

Sunday, March 12, 2023

Bald men don't use hair gel.


Bald men don't use hair gel. 

Or do they?

If you see a bald man shopping for his wife and he leaves the store with a box of tampons, aspirin, a men's health ab edition, and hair gel, he may not be passive-aggressive.  And I'm pretty sure he is hiding something. Not that I had any experience in that sort of thing. Luckily for me, I still have some hair left. And I don't need to shop for my wife anymore. I don't have one, for obvious reasons. However, I still lack the courage to check out certain things. And I surely don't need other people checking my things out. 

Enter the jobs-stealing technology known as Self-Checkout. 

I have to admit. Not a fan, unless of course, I have to buy something a little too risky. I mean I have a reputation to fake. I'm just glad self-checkouts don't have mirrors. Can you imagine the conversation? The voice says Please place your item in the bag. Your answer I'd rather not thank you. You put all your stuff in the bag and get ready to leave when the voice returns. Please sanitize your hands and yes the mirror too you freak!

Sunday, March 5, 2023

Diapers and Condoms

Strange Pairing at the Drug store.

Diapers and condoms. Here’s a pair. The order of the purchase says it all. If the condoms are rung in after the diapers. It just means that shit ain’t going to happen again. If it’s the other way around, it's like saying if I would have used this shit, the other shit wouldn’t have happened. 

Either way shit happens. It stinks. The good news, you can usually smell it coming, unless, of course, you step in. That's on you, my friend. Or at least your shoes. 


Wednesday, March 1, 2023

Welcome to On The Road With Denny D

#OnTheRoadWith DennyD

Climb in, we are fuelled up and ready to go. Where the hell the road is going, doesn't really matter. What matters, is that nothing matters but now and how we get down the road. I try to find the funny side of this unreal reality called life and for your reading and or listening enjoyment, tell you the story. So buckle up, it could be a bumpy ride. Let the journey begin.....

Denny D

One Foot Out

 I was born with one foot out. I think it was my left. Well, I wasn't quite born yet. I couldn't see where I was going or when I was...