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Childhood Improv

Setting the stage


The spackled countertop made the gray and black sponge brick backsplash stand out. Well, not really. The attached island didn't help much either. But this area was just the ticket for my childhood bartender comedy routines. I had dual roles: the bartender and the drunk. Having seen one of my uncles in action, I improvised much to my niece’s enjoyment. I had his smoky throat Detroit dialect down pat.

 Kill or be killed

I would make her giggle so hard until my mother woke up. "You kids quiet down, down there" became just background noise in a crowded make-believe bar room. I killed and was almost killed because of it. I'd set up the bar with shot glasses and orange juice or Kool-Aid. My niece would pull up a stool and I'd lean over and say, "What'll you have" "A shot of Tang, no rocks, straight up" Let's just assumed she said that I can't remember everything. I was too young to know what a screwdriver was, but I pretended I knew what drinking a screwdriver could lead to. I started walking into walls and slurring words until the background noise got closer. "Hi mom, want a drink?"

 A boy of the cloth

When I wasn't a bartender, I played Father Dennis. I wore a buttoned up long sleeve shirt with piece of toilet paper sticking out under my chin. A long dish towel draped around my neck became makeshift vestments. Regular towels were reserved and tied around our necks when my brothers and I played the Batman and Robin. 

 Wonder wafers

The sermons I can't remember. Pressed down wonder bread cut in circles via an upside down shot glass become the host. The neighborhood kids would stop by, walk single file with their hands out. I would wait for the "amen" and give them their wonder wafer. I performed one marriage. I can't recall who it was or if they are still together. I don't know why but the kids just stopped going to my church. So, I decided to threw in the towel. Dish towel that is. 

 

"To the Bat-cave" "Okay, to the bathroom"

 
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